The Case of the Missing Potatoes
by rottenpotate
Summary: Someone has stolen all the Survey Corps' potatoes. The thing is, who was it? Hanji, Levi, and Mike work together to discover the secret life of one the Survey Corps members.
1. Suspect

The Case of the Missing Potatoes

**AN: So, me and my sister thought of this weird story and I wanted to write it while it was still funny! Enjoy! x**

Chapter 1: Suspect

"Hanji?"

Hanji looked up from the experiment she was poring over. A piece of rock from Wall Sina. It fell off when the female titan tried to escape, and she wanted to examine it further.

"Hmm?" she hummed.

Levi walked in the room and glanced down at her with his stoic gaze.

"I know that we have been up to our necks in shit ever since we got back from our failed expedition, but there's a new pressing issue that I thought I should talk to you about," Levi said.

"What is it?" Hanji inquired.

"Follow me. I want to talk about this with that idiot Mike," Levi answered.

The pair walked out of the room and down the hallway of the Survey Corps HQ to Mike's room.

As they entered, Mike was looking out the window. He said nothing as they entered.

"Mike? Levi? What is going on?" Hanji asked.

"We seem to be having some sort of shortage in our food supplies..." Mike drawled as he sniffed the air.

"How can that be? We have never had a problem obtaining food from the merchants before!" Hanji questioned.

"Well, it's not the food in general. It's the potatoes. We haven't been receiving any potatoes in weeks," Mike snorted.

"That doesn't make any sense. The weather is great for growing potatoes." Hanji answered.

"We've already come to that conclusion, poindexter. We think that there is someone behind this. Someone is taking the potatoes for themselves..." Levi retorted.

"Who?" Hanji asked.

"We think it's someone in the Survey Corps..." Levi and Mike said together.


	2. Potato Hoarder

Chapter 2: Potato Hoarder

He just couldn't help it. Just gazing upon those luscious, lumpy, starchy potatoes was enough to make his brain haze over. He glanced again to his hoard of potatoes, and smiled.

He was working on another portrait of a potato. He had hundreds of the same potato drawing, but that was because the potato he was drawing was the prettiest.

Ok, so he was kind of a weirdo, but the rest of the Survey Corps didn't need to know that. He could quietly store his potatoes in his room. Along with his drawings, pictures, figurines, and his special potato blanket. Sometimes, he even slept with a few potatoes. If anyone knew about this, he would be done for.

His drawing was finished. He looked down on it with pride in his eyes, and kissed the picture of the potato.

He sighed. He knew he would need to go to the training grounds again soon, and leave his precious potatoes behind. He placed the drawing in the drawer with the hundreds of other potato drawings.

He walked out the door, and locked it so no one would be the wiser. No one would enter his room anyway.

He gazed wistfully at his door, and walked towards the training grounds.


	3. Verdict

Chapter 3: Verdict

Levi, Hanji, and Mike devised a plan to check every room in the Survey Corps HQ. Every person was a suspect.

"I bet it's that brat Sasha. She is a fucking potato freak. She had one in her pocket and ate it on her first day of training," Levi sneered.

"Mmmm, I don't think so, Levi. She is a young girl. Even though she likes food, I can't see her doing something like this," Hanji replied.

They finished up their plans, and headed out to the main building.

"Don't leave any room unchecked!" Levi commanded. The three set off on their mission.

An hour later, the three came back outside to report what they found.

"I didn't find anything..." Mike sighed.

"Me neither," said Hanji, disappointed.

Levi, however, looked stricken.

"Levi! What is it?" Hanji exclaimed.

"I think I found our culprit..." Levi whispered.

Levi had never looked so strange before. He always was able to maintain a calm and collected dimeanor. This behavior was strange for Levi.

"I need to show you..." Levi continued, wide-eyed.

Confused, Mike and Hanji followed Levi back into the main building. They walked through the halls to the last room on the top floor.

"Erwin!?" Hanji and Mike ejected at the same time.

"I didn't believe it either. Look." Levi opened the door.

It was like a potato carriage exploded in Erwin's room. Potatoes. Everywhere. There were piles and piles of potatoes. Sacks of potatoes. Levi opened his closet, out fell a hoard of potatoes.

"What the hell?" Mike whispered. He walked over to Erwin's bed. Was that... a potato blanket?

Hanji walked over to his desk. There were three picture frames. Instead of containing pictures of people, they contained pictures of potatoes.

Hanji tried to pry open his desk drawer. When she got it open, she found hundreds of drawings of the same potato. Why the same potato?

"...This is really strange. Erwin has a potato fetish?" Hanji asked, disbelieving.

"You think you know a guy..." Mike shook his head.

"What the fuck? I've been working with him for six years! I never would have expected him to be this strange." Levi looked disgusted. He bent over to pick up one of the potatoes. "I mean, the least he could do is clean them."

"Come on. I think we should leave." Hanji said, after a long silence.

As they walked out of the room, they ran into Erwin. Erwin looked right back at them, horror flashing through his eyes.

"You... you went through my room...?" Erwin whispered, eyes wide as owl eyes.

Levi walked up to him, a sneer on his face. "You're fucking weird."

Mike sniffed. "No wonder you always smell like potatoes."

Erwin looked back at the three of them. "Please keep this a secret. I can't fathom anyone else knowing I have an obsessive love for potatoes."

The trio looked at each other, and nodded. Erwin relaxed.

"This confrontation. Never happened." Erwin said, finality in his voice. "Get back to the training grounds!" He ordered.

The three and Erwin walked away in opposite directions. No one mentioned the potato incident again.


	4. Epilogue

Epilogue: Erwin's a Fucking Creep

Levi was frustrated. Erwin kept piling him with paperwork. Work he didn't want to do. Why did he have to do it all? He didn't need this shit.

That was it. He was going to confront Erwin about all this work. He stomped to his room.

Levi was so mad he was above knocking on the door, so he just stormed right in. The sight before him was something he would never forget.

Erwin. Making out with a potato. What the fuck was wrong with this guy?

Erwin jolted away from the potato. He looked at Levi, and Levi gazed back expressionlessly.

"You're fucking weird." Levi sneered, and walked out.


End file.
